Random Adventure
by RealmWarrior41
Summary: Makes fun of Legend of Zelda games. Plenty of Navi- bashing. Very funny. Please Review
1. Default Chapter

Chapter I – On the Road  
  
DUMDUM, DUMDUMDEEDEEDUM!  
  
Our skirt-clad hero was trekking through a thick forest, catchy theme music on his heels.  
  
DUMDUMDEEDEEDUM, DUMDUMDUMDUMDUM, DEEDUM!  
  
A nerve twitched above the swordsman's brow.  
  
DUMDUDUDEEDUM, DUMDUMDUDUDEEDUM!  
  
He started to unsheathe his blade,  
  
DUMDUMDUDUDEE.. . . AHHHH! ME LEG!  
  
The little man stalking our hero finally stopped playing the music from his flute to examine his missing limb. Link grinned as he walked along, the decrepit man screaming and rolling on the blood drenched soil.  
  
"What was that for?!? You don't just kill random folk! I start blinking and make that really annoying noise if they're an enemy, remember?" "How can I forget?" Link thought. At every god-forsaken animal and plant Navi always poked his glowy little body out and kept poking him until he pressed up C. It was a miracle Link kept him around. The Hyrulian yanked out his trusty map.  
  
"So if we go up here, then turn left, defeat the giant evil fiend, walk a couple more miles, and nab the really rare shiny thing, we should be home before dark." Link mumbled.  
  
"And if we shut up, knock some heads, use some bomb-chus, and have a rodeo on a dondongo, maybe we can actually get some action, OOH YEAH!" Navi replied. "It also wouldn't help to change your clothes. You're wearing a damn skirt. Zelda would have given you more than a little blue flute. OOH YEAH!"  
  
"For the last time, it's a kilt not a skirt." Link stated, walking slightly faster. "And besides, I don't have time for games, I have to get home quickly."  
  
"Oh yea, Saria had some work for you to do. I hope it's WORK, not work. OOH YEAH!"  
  
"Shut the hell up, Navi. You want me to wack some heads? Yours will be the first to go." Link threatened.  
  
"The joke's on you buddy, I DON'T HAVE A HEAD! OOH YEAH!"  
  
"One of these days," Link murmured, "One of these days. . ."

* * *

"Well, we made it." Link said triumphantly. "We're home."  
  
"I smell something. . . could it be?!?"  
  
"What? Is it the scent of death in the air? Then I must. . ."  
  
"No." Navi replied flatly. "The kegs finally arrived. Time to party!" OOH YEAH! Wait. . . What's that sound?"  
  
Link listened closely. His giant elf ears picked some type of beat. A rhythmic beat. War music? No, it wasn't like that. Oh no. Party Boy music. Some things never change. Navi flew down the hill, screaming.  
  
"OOH YEAH! PARTY IN THE HIS-OWNCE! LET'S GET JIGGY WITH IT! OOH YEAH!"  
  
"One of these days," Link murmured, "One of these days. . ."

* * *

"Uhhhh....... My head......" Link grumbled. "What...... what happened?" He rolled over on his bed, only to see Saria. "What the. . .?!? OH MY GOD! NAVI!!!!"  
  
"Stop screaming! Your faerie has a hangover. What's the matter?" Navi mumbled, slowly hovering over 8 Coronas. The firefly wanna-be slowly looked from Link, to Saria, than back to Link.  
  
"Hmmm..." The flying glowball thought. "Wait... does this mean... OOH YEAH! NICE JOB LINK! THAT DESERVES A HEART PIECE! OOH YEAH!"  
  
Saria slowly woke up. "Wh...What happened?"  
  
"Yeah Link, what happened?" Navi asked in an amused tone.  
  
""One of these days," Link murmured, "One of these days. . ."

* * *

"Link, do you want to tackle this quest?" The elder asked.  
  
"Hmm." Link grunted, his usual response to everything.  
  
"Link is good at tackling things, OOH YEAH!" Navi interrupted.  
  
"Anyway Link. These are the items you must recover from the sacred temples." The crusty man said as he handed Link a slip of parchment.  
  
"Eggs, milk, butter, and the Gauntlet of Time. Great, a shopping list." Link thought.  
  
"You have fourteen moons time. Others have been sent from various villages to get the same items. You must retrieve them first, or else the Pastry of Apocalyptic Doom can never form, understood?"  
  
"Hmm." Our hero grunted again, wondering why he got into this business in the first place.  
  
"Link is good at GETTING SOME, right?" Navi said, interrupting his thoughts.  
  
"One of these days," Link murmured, "One of these days. . ."


	2. Departure

"Come on Link; hurry your Hylian ass up here!" Navi shouted from the top of the  
hill. Link mumbled a curse or two under his breath. It was really hard to carry  
38 rupees, 4 bombs, the Master Sword and shield, the map, Cane of Bryna,  
ocarina, boomerang, bow plus 21 arrows, and the red and blue tunics all by  
hand. Some people thought all the items magically appeared when you press  
Start. What a bunch of dumb-asses.

"Link, why don't you just shove them in that magic pocket that Zelda stitched up for you?" Navi remarked.

"Oh… didn't think of that." Link responded, shoving all of his items into a small pocket.

"Isn't it amazing what those folks at Nintendo come up with?" Navi said. If he had a face, he'd be grinning.

"What's a Nimtongo?" Link asked, perplexed. Who would name something that stupid?

"It's Nintendo, you idiot." Navi replied. "Ness mentioned it when we were in that Smash Bros. Tournament or something."

"His head is the size of a friggin' watermelon!" Link shouted. "He probably just lied." Navi just floated on. "So…what's our first task?"  
Navi replied, "The Gauntlets of Time. But in order to get that we need to help out the old man by the river by getting him a McBurger. He'll then give us the Orange Frog. Then, we need to travel across the world map to the Deku Kingdom. The Deku King collects colored frogs, and an orange one will complete his collection. He'll give us the guitar tabs to "Enter Sandman" by Metallica. Once we get that, we have to go the Zora people and give the guitarist of the Indigo-gos the tabs. They'll waste our time by playing it for us, and then give us the Golden Jellybean. We then go to Clock Town and give it to the Bomberkids. They will give us the Deep Fried Key. We then use the key to open the McDonalds in the Goron Mountains. We travel through the dungeon and find the weapon that the boss left around for us to kill him with. We defeat the Ronald McDemon and obtain the McBurger. We give the McBurger to the old man by the riv…"

"Wait, that makes no sense!" Link interrupted. "The cycle of items goes in a complete circle. I can't win."

"Yep…that's how it's ment to be…" Navi replied, slurping a strawberry McShake.

"So…umm…whatcha want to do?" Link said, carving his name into the dirt with the Master Sword.

"We could…umm…no, did that last week. How about…oh wait…the thong won't fit anymore. Oh! I got it! Ok…we need to go Clock Town. Meet me in front of the clock with a candle, dental floss, and a bucket of fish heads. We need to pay a visit to the Happy Mask Salesman. This is going to be a great prank!" Navi said, slightly shaking in midair.

"Wait…we could get in big trouble for that. I could even loose my Use-of-Really-Rare-Weapons License. Whatever, lets do it!" Link replied.

"Oh… and on the way, can we pick up some LonLon milk? I'm parched." Navi whined.

"We don't have time, you radioactive firefly!" Link shouted.

"Oh, poo. Fine." Navi replied, slowly hovering downward before collapsing on the ground. Link ran over to the dimming ball of light.

"Navi! Are you allright?" Link cried.

"Link…I'm dying…glow cancer…but…"

"But what! What it is!"

"As a dying wish…I need…I need…"

"WHAT! WHAT IT IS!" Link shouted.

"I need…LonLon Milk…" Navi replied before breaking out in hysterical laughter. Link kicked the floaty fly hard. As Navi went hurtling into a tree, Link stated, "One of these days…one of these days…"


End file.
